Monthly Archives: June 2009

Fallout 3 – Totally Stuck in a Rock

This is my character in Fallout 3 being totally stuck in a rock.

This is also me being really sarcastic about my character being stuck in a rock.

Better still, I demonstrate how to get stuck in a rock all by yourself in your own game of Fallout 3! Yay! Fun for everyone, truly.

The video quality kinda sucks (I was testing out recording, editing, and uploading all from my 3GS and the lighting left something to be desired), but really, this is me stuck in a rock. How much quality do you really need?


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Death = $$$

This is definitely not the first time I’ve seen this trend (I remember it with George Carlin specifically, as one example) but, as it turns out, death is a really, really good marketing move.

Only works once though.

Honestly I had little to no affection for his music and I thought he was more than a little weird, but he was an icon that deserved to live far longer than 50 years. Hell, everyone deserves to live far longer than 50 years, I don’t care who you are.

I only hope, for the sake of his families and true fans, that his music is remembered over the scandals and strangeness of the 90s. I doubt it will be, but I hope I’m wrong.


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Twilight – Journey Into the Abyss (Part Ten)

This is kind of a bite-sized entry (har har), but there’s a reason. A teaser entry, perhaps? Leading into good times for the next entry, you say? Could be, could be. Read, enjoy, and discover for yourselves.

Chapter Nine

A visible warning: “‘One,’ he agreed. His lips pressed together into a cautious line.”

Is it just me, or does Edward’s entire face appear to be sentient? Every time one of his reactions is described, it’s the part of the face that’s reacting, not Edward. His lips are cautious. His eyes are any number of things. His… well, Steph really only mentions lips and eyes, but that still gives me plenty to work with.

I think the reason Edward seems to be so detached is that his facial features have been doing the work for him for so long that he’s just forgotten how to care.

How can lips be cautious? For that matter, what is a cautious line? Is there a bold, daring line with no reservations, just ready to leap into danger at a moment’s notice? How would lips even know the difference between these two lines?

So many questions.

Short-term memory loss: “‘Well… you said you knew I hadn’t gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that.’”

Remember the part a few paragraphs ago in the last chapter where you guys were casually joking about the fact that Edward was psychic as if it were completely normal dinner conversation?

No? Oh. Ok then.

Almost psychic: “He almost smiled.”

Look kids! It’s a pristine example of what we writers like to call “sloppy writing”.

See, Bella couldn’t know that Edward almost smiled because, well… Bella isn’t Edward. Almost performing a visible action, but not, is something that can only be known to the person not doing the action. Because, see, thoughts aren’t visible.

Unless of course you happen to be psychic or something. Which Edward is, but Bella is, to my knowledge, not (at least not yet…).

Or unless you happen to be a terrible writer. Then your characters can become momentarily psychic at a moment’s notice, just like in the example above! Yay!

Unclean: “‘Fine, then. I followed your scent.’… I couldn’t think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study.”

If you can’t think of an acceptable response, I can:

Take a damn shower. You smell bad.

Oh, and also: Apparently Edward has super smelling abilities now. Dude’s like Superman – powers popping out of nowhere every time he turns around.

Way past humorous: “He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.”

I’m not going to lie here. I think I’ve run out of ways to make her stupid eye comments funny (well, more so than they already are). The fact that she’s still doing them (to the exclusion of every other possible emotional response) is just becoming more and more sad.

Master of subtlety: “‘Why do you think you can’t hear [my thoughts]?’ I asked curiously.

‘I don’t know,’ he murmured. ‘The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do.’”

That, sir, is a monumental understatement.

Well…: “‘My mind doesn’t work right? I’m a freak?’”

I don’t want to be callous here, so I’m going to try and put this as gently as I can.

Yes.

Just a guess: Quick note here: Edward drives like a complete lunatic. As in, 100 miles-per-hour in the dark lunatic.

I guess he is technically immortal and psychic (and beautiful and cold and distant and weird), but that still seems kind of reckless.

Breaking news: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a dramatic status update to report. We go now to Becky in the field. Becky?

Becky: “Thanks Brendan. It has just been reported from a reliable source that Edward’s eyes are now, in fact, honey. I repeat, Edward has honey eyes. We’ll have more as it develops.”

Thanks Becky. Truly an earth-shaking piece of news.

Alert! Alert!: “‘[Jacob and I] went for a walk … and he was telling me some old legends — trying to scare me, I think. He told me one…” I hesitated.
“Go on,” [Edward] said.
“About vampires.”

We have the V-word! We have the V-word! Everyone on full alert! Report to battle stations! Keep on your toes people, this is not a drill. There is a real possibility of actual story development coming our way and we have to be ready. We’ve had nine chapters to prepare for this and we don’t want to screw it up.

Let’s do this.

Maniac at the steering wheel: “He startled me by laughing. I glared up at him. He was laughing, but his eyes were fierce, staring ahead.”

Ummm… yeah, that’s pretty frightening stuff right there. That’s not the way people are supposed to laugh.

That’s the way the scary axe murders in horror movies laugh.

Edward = scary axe murderer?

Hmm….

Down the rabbit hole: “‘You don’t care if I’m a monster? If I’m not human!’”

GRAAAGH!!! EDWARD MONSTER!!! EDWARD SMASH ALL TINY PUNY THINGS!!!

A multitude of nothing: “He was silent, staring straight ahead again. His face was bleak and cold.”

So many meaningless, vague adjectives, so little actual emotional depth.

At long, long, long (long) last:

Dear readers,

Dear patient readers,

Dear patient, wonderful readers,

I think, maybe, just maybe, that possibly we might have finally gotten there.

After ten long (long) installments of this silly sarcastic rant of mine, after over nine chapters of this indescribably atrocious book, the moment that I was truly beginning to think would never come has at last been reached.

I can hardly believe it. The words are right there in front of me, but they don’t seem real, somehow.

Bella knows Edward is a vampire.

I know, right? Like, that’s totally all awesome and stuff!

I feel this is an appropriate milestone to end our tenth session of this Journey Into the Abyss, but there are good times ahead, mark my words.

We may have finally, finally reached an important landmark, one promised in the first two sentences on the back of the book but taking over nine chapters to deliver in what has to be the longest unnecessary stalling tactic ever in a piece of fiction, but there is plenty of fun to come.

Oh yes.

Why, just next time, we tackle all those vampire myths the book has conveniently avoided dealing with up to this point. There’s some history. There’s some backstory. There’s some relationship development.

And as sure as I am sick of reading this damn book, there’s most certainly some laughs to be had at its expense.

We have not yet even begun our descent into the darknesses of Twilight.

Until we meet again, my fellow travelers.


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Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Nine)

Chapter Eight

Kill me now: “It had been a while since I’d had a girls’ night out, and the estrogen rush was invigorating. We listened to whiny rock songs while Jessica jabbered on about the boys we hung out with.”

Tell me about it, girl. Estrogen rushes are the freakin’ bomb.

I didn’t even know you could have an estrogen rush. Shows what I know. It’s certainly not a term you hear very often.

For good reason though, I think. It has an odd ring to it.

Bella with the distraction: “Angela was passively happy to be going to the dance, but not really interested in Eric. Jess tried to get her to confess who her type was, but I interrupted with a question about dresses after a bit, to spare her.”

Because we all know that if you throw even so much as the suggestion of new clothing anywhere in the vicinity of a woman they will instantly forget what they’re doing and completely change course.

It’s Pavlovian or something.

Disbelief: “‘Really,’ I tried to convince her, not wanting to confess my dancing problems. ‘I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything close. I didn’t go out much.’
‘Why not?’ Jessica demanded.
‘No one asked me,’ I answered honestly.

Awww, poor Bella. I can’t imagine why no one would like her.

Oh wait.

See?: “I was silent, still lost in shock that was quickly turning to irritation. But we had found the dress racks, and now we had work to do.”

And the clothes win again. See? I told you. Works every time.

Same old, same old: This is an entire scene built around little else but shopping and looking at things and description, and yet the only new thing I learn about any of the characters’ appearance is that one of them is tall. She did take the time to kindly repeat hair and eye colors though. It had been a couple of paragraphs, so I guess it was about time.

Seriously Steph, if you can’t squeeze in decent description in a chapter like this you’re just hopeless.

Heavy Sigh: It would appear our absentminded little Bella has gotten herself into another totally contrived pickle. Somehow, when wandering around downtown and looking for a bookstore, she managed to stray so far off the beaten path without noticing that she’s now fearing brutal mugging/theft/attack/rape from the nasty, slimy young hooligans inhabiting every dark corner.

This girl really does lack common sense to a highly dangerous degree.

When the storefronts start to turn into warehouses and the cashiers in the window into gang members, I think it’s safe to say you should stop looking for the damn bookstore and turn the hell around.

Also: If this plot point is used to have Edward swoop in from nowhere and save the day I’m going to hit something.

Question: If you were fearing an attack by a group of people who have been following you for a couple of blocks, would you risk looking backward directly at them just to satisfy your curiosity?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Surprise!: “The street was lined on both sides by blank, doorless, windowless walls. I realized then that I wasn’t being followed.
I was being herded.”

Well my word, who ever would have guessed this was coming?

Crazy insane: “That same pessimistic voice in my mind spoke up then, reminding me that I probably wouldn’t have a chance against one of them, and there were four. Shut up! I commanded the voice before terror could incapacitate me. I wasn’t going out without taking someone with me.”

So Bella’s talking to the voice in her head now. That’s probably not good.

God damnit: “It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me — even before I was off the street — as soon as I heard his voice. I jumped into the seat, slamming the door shut behind me.”

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go slam my fist into something very forcefully now. I only hope it isn’t alive.

Or hard.

I totally freakin’ called it though, didn’t I?

Caught up in the excitement: I think Steph was so excited about her brilliant, totally unpredictable, super-exciting, mega-awesome twist of having Edward save Bella that she kind of forgot to mention his name anywhere.

For more than a page.

She just calls him “he” for nigh-on two pages until Bella casually mentions his name talking to one of the non-characters that I can’t be bothered to remember the name of.

Steph really has a penchant for being overly mysterious, doesn’t she?

Cause and effect: “…the snap as the [seatbelt] connected was loud in the darkness.”

Because amount of ambient light and sound volume are totally connected to one another. Did you fail chemistry or something?

Thank you, Captain Obvious: “Edward [still referred to only as ‘he’’]: ‘Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.’”

Apparently our friend Bella isn’t the only one with a penchant for stating the obivous.

Still, it’s progress. They’re learning to admit their problems. Maybe in a book or two we can start to move past them.

Conveniently omitted for your displeasure: “‘But it wouldn’t be helpful for me
to turn around and hunt down those…’ He didn’t finish his sentence, looking away,
struggling for a moment to control his anger again.”

Here, I’ll finish the sentence for, Mr. Temper Tantrum:

VAMPIRES!

Bloody, blood-sucking vampires! Creatures of the night! (Well, okay, not really true in this case, but I guess we’ll get to that later) Shiny skinned supermen! (That’s more along the lines of things)

Seriously though, just say it already!

Here we go again: “‘I’m taking you to dinner.’ He smiled slightly, but his eyes were hard.”

If his eyes are hard he’s got issues decidedly different than vampirism. Eyes are definitely supposed to be squishy.

And why are you poking his eyes, anyway?

Barf: “I wanted nothing more than to be alone with my perpetual savior.”

Oh no, where’s my barf bag? I think I left it in the other room.

Sorry carpet, this is going to be unpleasant for the both of us.

And now it’s time for- Awkward Dialog!: “You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”
“Do what?” [Edward asked]
“Dazzle them like that — she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”
[Edward] seemed confused. He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. “I dazzle people? Do I dazzle you?”
“Frequently,” I admitted.

I realize, now that I’ve finally stopped laughing and regained my ability to type, that I seriously don’t even know where to start with this one.

You know what, I think I’ll just avoid belaboring the point. The dialog speaks for itself here.

And it speaks volumes.

All right, fine, one thing: Was the rest of him curious, or just his eyes? I’m trying to get a good mental picture here.

Impossible face physics: “His face twisted up into that perfect crooked smile.”

Is it possible to have something that’s both perfect and crooked at the same time?

Fine, fine, I’ll admit it. I’m nitpicking here. It was just awkward enough of a statement to justify using the title “Impossible face physics” which is something I very much wanted to do as soon as I thought of it.

Sorry.

Way past obsessive: “Edward was shrugging out of his jacket. I suddenly realized that I had never once noticed what he was wearing — not just tonight, but ever. I just couldn’t seem to look away from his face.”

Oh. My. God.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Is this her attempt at justification or something?

Does Steph even realize what an obsessive, absent-minded freak show of a character she’s creating here?

Wow.

Groundhog Day, for the face: “He stared into my eyes, and I saw how light his eyes were, lighter than I’d ever seen them, golden butterscotch.”

Golden butterscotch eyes?

Are you kidding me?

That is not an eye color. Eyes do not come in that color. Golden butterscotch is a type of candy. Eyes are not candy. I do not want to eat eyes.

Bella might, but let’s not go there.

Also: That’s four or five sentences crammed into one, decidedly awkward, statement. There are these things called “periods,” Steph. They work well for situations like this.

Overcompensating colors: “That displeased him; his alabaster brow furrowed.”
Oh come on, now you’re just trying too hard.

You had a good thing going with the horrible eye colors. Don’t ruin it with over-saturation of stupid-ass colors. Stick with the eyes. They’re definitely your strong suit.

Oh my horribly obvious heavens: “‘Okay, then.’ I glared at him, and continued slowly. ‘Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that… someone… could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know — with a few exceptions.’
‘Just one exception,’ he corrected, ‘hypothetically.’”

Now even the characters in the book are clearly admitting they know what’s going on!

They so know what’s going that they’re casually joking about it with one another!

The lack of information flow in this story so far has become a joke even to the characters in the story itself. That, dear friends, is not a good situation to be in.

Needs a little encouragement: “His eyes locked with mine, and I guessed he was making the decision right then whether or not to simply tell me the truth.”

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Do it now! Do it now! Do it now!

Fact check: “Edward to Bella: ‘I was wrong — you’re much more observant than I gave you credit for.’”

We are talking about Bella here, right? ‘Cause… I don’t think we’re talking about the same Bella.

Warning bells: “I stretched my hand across the table again — ignoring him when he pulled back slightly once more — to touch the back of his hand shyly with my fingertips. His skin was cold and hard, like a stone.”

Bella, we’ve been through this in an earlier installment, but I’ll try again. This is what we call a “warning sign”.

See, human skin is not supposed to be cold or stone-like. That’s what dead people’s skin is like. Except even theirs doesn’t resemble stone.

You don’t want to date a dead person, do you?

Don’t answer that.

You should run anyway. Or at the very least be slightly unnerved by it. I mean, come on, I don’t care how much you’re infatuated by the guy, I guarantee you that feeling that he has the skin of a stone-cold dead man would freak you out a bit.

It’s all becoming clear: “‘I followed you to Port Angeles,’ [Edward] admitted, speaking in a rush. … He paused. I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.

That certainly explains a lot.

Abrupt transition: Okay, so Edward just spent a long block of dialog explaining to Bella that he can read people’s freakin’ minds … and she doesn’t react.

Nothing. She just takes it in like he had just told her his new kitten’s name was Fluffy.

His skin is like a dead statue and he can read minds and still there’s no reaction at all from our inconsistent little protagonist?

Real people respond to crap like this. Real people show emotion or action or at least slight curiosity as a result of life-changingly weird news.

I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s Edward that’s really more human than Bella.


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Twilight: Journey Into the Abyss (Part Eight)

Hang in there kiddos, we’ve got a longer, epic-er entry than usual this week, featuring both the long-awaited end to chapter six as well as the entirety of chapter seven. Consider it my gift (?) to you after taking last week off to absorb as much information as I possibly could during the gamer’s Christmas of E3. It was a week full of much nerd glee for me. I appreciate your tolerance of the extended wait for this entry, but I can assure you that the wait was worth it. Interesting stuff lies ahead.

Chapter Six (continued)

Bravely, after the progress-stopping stupidity that ended my foray into these dark lands, I solider onward in my valiant attempt to make it deeper into the dank, dark territory of Twilight.

Let’s hope the going is easier from here. I’m not sure I could survive another terror of language quite as bad as “making an effort to smolder at him”.

Shouldn’t have typed that. Started laughing again. Must stop before moving on. Bare with me.

..

There we go. I think we’re good. Let us venture forth before I burst into another giggle fit.

Man, I don’t even have the slightest idea what was going on. Oh well. Probably doesn’t matter.

Whilst recounting legends of yore: “‘Then there are the stories about the cold ones.’”

Well, I know people that have had plenty of beer in their day too, but they don’t make this big of deal out of it.

Sheesh.

Further clarification: “‘You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf—well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves.’”

So Twilight now officially has werewolves before it has vampires. Congratulations, Steph, you have officially missed the point of writing a vampire novel.”

Ok, ok, if you want to get technical, I think “cold ones” is her half-assed special term for vampires, so they did sort of come first, but until she calls them vampires it doesn’t count in my book.

So there.

Extraordinarily confuzzled: So after reading the same set of paragraphs about four times, I think I have finally figured out what Steph was talking about with the whole “cold ones”/werewolves thing. This woman does not have a way with explanatory clarity.

Still waiting: I’m still waiting for the situation revolving around the Cullens (Edward’s group) to make sense. Does everyone know they’re vampires and just doesn’t like talking about it? Does everyone just think they’re weird? What’s the situation?

The fact that no one wants anything to do with them or even to talk about them says that people are in the know.

The fact that others (such as the one telling the story to Bella in the first place) treat it as a joke, says they just think the Cullens are eccentric weirdos. But then, why all the secrecy about the family from so many people?

*Sigh*. None of this crap makes any sense.

At long, long last: “‘And what are they?’ I finally asked. ‘What are the cold ones?’
He smiled darkly.
‘Blood drinkers,’ he replied in a chilling voice. ‘Your people call them vampires.’

Holy mother-loving goombas! We have vampires! Vampires have been had! The magical keyword word has been uttered! Actual vampires have been mentioned in this book about vampires!

It’s a frickin’ miracle. I truly never thought I would see the day.

This is truly a milestone in my great journey. The reaching of my first mention of vampire. I shall remember this day always.

Dangerous in groups: Now there’s four or so of these high-school nobodies in the same scene together. You have no idea how much effort it takes to keep all these people straight. Names just vanish out of my mind the second I’ve passed over them because I don’t actually have a character to attach them to.

This is so much more trouble than its worth.

Chapter Seven

Staying completely with the grain: “There was a basketball game on that [Charlie] was excited about, though of course I had no idea what was special about it, so he wasn’t aware of anything unusual in my face or tone.”

Well obviously she wouldn’t know anything about the game. I mean, she’s a girl. Girls don’t know anything about sports. I mean, what planet do we live on, Mars? Get a grip.

Strange Lullaby: So Bella just used a (conspicuously unnamed) band that had, her words, “a little too much bass and shrieking for my tastes” to go to sleep. The odd complexities of this character just never stop coming, do they?

Gutter mind: “His face was frightened as he yanked with all his strength against my resistance; I didn’t want to go into the dark.”

Taken out of context, I find something vaguely dirty about this statement.

That doesn’t say good things about me, does it?

Strange dreams: Bella is describing a dream now that sounds much like a terrible music video. She’s heading toward the beach because she knows she’ll find the sun there. Someone is tugging her toward the darkness of the forest. And, naturally, there are werewolves. And vampires.

Add some shrieking metal guitars, maybe a little too much bass, a hint of violins for good measure, and that dream is pretty much a script waiting to be filmed.

Enter Edward: Edward just appeared in the surreal dream sequence. Let me just give you a quick rundown of the descriptors stuck to him in a remarkably short span of sentences.

His skin was faintly glowing.
His eyes were black.
His eyes were, furthermore, dangerous.
His teeth were both sharp and pointed.
His voice was purring.

That’s one heck of a mishmash.

One the plus side, we have another small milestone on our hands. Edward himself, in all of his shifty-eyed glory, has finally been described, albeit inside of a dream sequence, as a vampire!

Break out the champagne everyone! There shall be much rejoicing.

Seven chapters in and we have finally learned (or at least strongly hinted at in dream form) what was on the first few sentences of the back cover of the book.

I’m not sure whether to be happy or incredibly depressed.

Now how much longer until Steph confronts the issue while Bella is actually awake? Any bets?

Another revelation: Aside from the above, another detail we have been blessed with only seven chapters in is that Bella’s hair is, apparently, braided.

Great. Just great. Now what little mental picture I had to this point has to be completely altered because of this delayed detail that shatters my fragile conception of this character.

Hey, when you have so few details to go on, every little precious bit counts for a lot more than in a situation with an actually, you know, well-formed character.

Bathroom adventures: “The shower didn’t last nearly as long as I hoped it would, though. Even taking the time to blow-dry my hair, I was soon out of things to do in the bathroom.”

Oh, there are always more things to do in the bathroom.

What the hell is wrong with me tonight?

Now it’s personal: I think Steph is trying to personally bore me to tears now. It’s not just a general sense of soul-crushing boredom anymore. It’s starting to really hit home.

Bella is using technology now.

She’s now in a scene where she is turning on her ancient computer, waiting for her outdated modem to – *shudder* – dial up, describing her conspicuously unnamed free Internet service (yeah, because those definitely still exist), detailing the many pop-up ads that she had to close in order to get on with things (Remember when those were still a problem? Good times.), and searching in her favorite search engine (also conspicuously unnamed).

This is a remarkably dated passage for how hard it tries not to date itself by leaving out all the brand names and such.

Nice try, Steph, but not quite.

Now she notices: It has already been well established that Bella is perhaps, shall we say, a little slow. More evidence to that effect: partway into chapter seven, Bella has finally decided to notice and state for herself that it is perhaps slightly odd, a little strange, bloody weird, if you will, that Edward’s eyes happen to shift color every few minutes or so.

Gee, ya think?

Waiting on pins and needles: As part of the long list of vampiric qualities she is researching, Bella happens to consider that vampires, as a general rule, are creatures of the night. Allergic to sun. Killed by the light.

Not exactly morning creatures, to say the least.

A slight issue, one might think.

Boy, I can’t wait to see how Steph deals with this one.

And she was doing so well, too: Just when I thought Twilight had finally gotten some sort of meager groove going, established some sort of light hope that Steph had finally figured out how to tell at least an acceptable chunk of her story through (cheesy, poorly-written) dialog and (weakly constructed, unsatisfying) scenes, she falls off the deep end again.

I’ve been listening to Bella think to herself, research vampires, explain about vampires, think some more, describe things, and other such expository nonsense for at least four or five pages now (since the beginning of chapter seven, in fact) and it shows no signs of letting up.

*Sigh*

Old habits die hard, it would seem. I must have been delirious or something. I actually had myself thinking Steph’s writing was improving in some tiny little way.

Silly me.

Sunuvabitch: Give me a damn break here. How stupid does Steph think I am?

I kid you not, I just finished reading two paragraphs of a slow, detailed listing of every one of the stupendously obvious reasons that Edward might be a vampire that she’s been beating me over the head with for seven chapters now.

OMG his eyes are like all weird and stuff!
He talks all funny-like sometimes!
He’s totally like super strong and pale and pretty and cold and stuff!
Remember when he so totally didn’t show up to that blood testing day in class? You think that could maybe possibly have been important or something?

Gaaaaaaah!!!!

I freakin’ get it already, okay? It’s generally good practice to assume your reader has at least some small degree of intelligence, a rule of etiquette Steph doesn’t seem to be able to grasp. Frankly, the sheer magnitude of recapping being done here is insulting.

I don’t know what insufferable mental condition is keeping Bella from realizing what is going on, but I am able to function on the level of a normal human being and being doled out information like I’m some sort of chimp with a learning disorder is indescribably aggravating.

@#$%#$%&^!!!: “Could the Cullens be vampires?”

YES!
YES YES YES!!!

Yes, you stupid, slow, insufferable, inconsistent, obnoxious, stuck-up, little bitch of a character!

THEY’RE FUCKING VAMPIRES!
GET WITH THE PROGRAM!

Damn it….

Oh no, no, no, please no…: “Well, [the Cullens] were something. … So then — maybe. That would have to be my answer for now.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Damn and blast and damn it all again!

You can’t let it slip away. We were so close. We had almost made it.

The realizations. The supreme obviousness of it all. It was right there.

Right there in front of me.

And now it’s gone again.

Gone, like so many hopes and dreams and respect for anyone who says this is even a semi-tolerable book.

That was a mean move, Steph. Truly a coldhearted tease.

I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.

And now, our regularly scheduled program: “My blood was electric in my veins.”

And now we find ourselves back where we started – back to the daily grind, back to horrible descriptions and awkward passages and never-ending accounts of Bella’s insufferably boring days at school and all the work and thoughts that go along with them.

Somehow, after a touch with what could have been, it all seems so much more depressing than it ever has before.

Okay, fine, I’ll give it a shot. I’ll try and get back in the swing of things. Let’s have one more try at that biting sarcasm I used to love so well.

Relax or die!: “I would think of nothing but the warmth on my skin [from the sun, mind you], I told myself severely.”

Oh, the things I’m going to do to you if you don’t relax… You don’t even want to now.

Now close your eyes and go to your happy place or your going to regret it!

Yeah, all right, that feels better. Maybe I can go on after all.

Farewell: After such an exciting, extended trip through Twilight in this installment, what more do I really have to say to close things up than in the next chapter, Bella and her forgettable not-really-friends are going SHOPPING!

Yay!

Why, golly gee, I just can’t wait to tag along with a bunch of teen girls on a shopping trip. What more could I possibly ask from a book? I just can’t wait.

Until then, dear readers.


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